Growth, pain, change, level up, repeat.
So as mentioned before, and all over my social media channels, I am talking about this show coming up in May. (May 11th at Lost and Foundry, Oakland specifically ; ]). And yeah, that is the date of the opening. And yes, that will be a great time. But, just to make that one moment, that one night happen, I have been working since August. August 2018. 9 Months. With Producers, Graphic Designers, Marketing and PR teams, Assistants, Interns, Landlords, Friends, Roommates and Family.
Fear. How many things have I feared in this process? So many more than I would have imagined. This is my first solo show. So obviously, there has been a fear of even putting myself out there, with no one to hide behind, vulnerable and emotionally exposed, for years. So that was one thing to get over, just to begin. Just to BEGIN!
Control/Attachment. I’m working with a producer who is amazing. And I’ve had my ways of doing things for the last 13 years. I’ve put together group shows and solo pieces, but in order to truly grow to a new level, I needed a new method. So I’ve had to trust a person, trust the process, do the work and get over my attachments, as to how I think a thing should be done. Bringing on, not only confrontation with myself but interpersonal, work related, relationship, family...all kinds of challenges have come up in all of these spheres. But, it actually means that something must be changing in my life because it is affecting all aspects of my life.
Money. Where will it come from? What will happen if I say no to clients? What will happen to me personally, if I don't do this show and say yes to clients? How long will it take to actually get this done? And then...the realization that I know nothing. I know nothing anymore, other than that I have to do this show. That this is the one thing important in my life, right now and that I don’t know what will happen on the other side of it, but, I do know that life cannot continue in the way that it has been going.
That just plain hustling with nothing to show for it, is not an existence that will satisfy me and that I must grow. And that growth will be painful, but necessary to even have a story worth hearing. No one wants to see a hero with no battle scars. Batman is not Superman. He is a human, who is fallible and gets beat up when he fights. But, he makes it through. It's why we root for him. So yeah, I'm fighting. And it has been unreal, how hard it has been, to clear just 10 weeks and not do work for other people. It hasn’t even happened, because I continually get pulled away. Pulled away from the most important thing. The one thing that I need to do. So I am getting better and stronger at blocking out what needs to get blocked out. Being fully present with what needs to get done and prioritizing. Living art again. And it is good.
The pain is a teacher. The confrontations are just rounds in the ring. The show could completely fail, it could be fully amazing. You will have to come to the show to experience the work to see what you think. Pictures are almost worthless of sculptures. They are meant to be interacted with. They exist in space like you and I. They are there to show how much I care about living on this perfect and beautiful planet. And to hopefully inspire others to care about and for it together with me and those in alignment. To come up with better ideas, remember better ways. To grow. To go through pain together. To change. To achieve a new level. And to do it all over again.
See you there. RSVP: https://www.12sticks.com/events-1/neither-created-nor-destroyed
